This blog is a little different, I want to write about something that came up in a recent counselling session – self awareness. It’s a term I hadn’t even thought about until the last few years of my life, and more in depth in the last 6 months or so. I think its gone hand in hand with starting comedy. The easiest thing I found to write about when I first started was myself. Bear with me, this will all make sense….
One of the first jokes I ever wrote was about how my girlfriend was lucky to have me because I’m “short, bald, chubby, and a borderline alcoholic with clinical depression”. I’d forgive you for not finding that a funny read, I’m not sure it was a funny joke, but I was just starting and it was all I knew.
This feeds in to the “self awareness” theme because although I was writing jokes, this was all stuff that I thought about myself. Especially the drinking. Since then I’ve, subconsciously to start with, been trying to get a hold of all of my vices. I went back to the doctors for my depression and took some much needed time off work. I joined a gym and for the past few months I’ve been going at least 4 times a week. And then this month, as you’ll know if you’ve been one of the few people that’s read my other posts, I’ve been doing Sober October to try and change my drinking habits. Unfortunately there isn’t much about the short or bald parts of my joke, so we’ll all have to make our peace with that…
So, back to the counselling session the comment that was made was “you seem very self aware”. It’s true, I am now, but I wasn’t always. I was impulsive, reckless and sometimes just downright stupid. I don’t want this to read as if I’ve got a Jesus complex. I think it’s very apparent that I’ve still got my shortcomings. At my worst (which was only a month or so ago), I was drinking about 4 times a week, I’d completely stopped writing jokes and going no more than a few days without a drink was really taking its toll on both my mood and my actions. During the counselling session I talked about how being a more self aware person has made me feel. It’s been positive a lot of the time because I look at things more rationally now and I’ve definitely cut down the amount of energy I spend on negative things, or things completely out of my control (like oh god why am I so bald!). But, there’s been plenty of negatives too. I overthink constantly about whether I’m a good person or not. That will sound strange to some, but it is genuinely a thought that occupies so much of my thinking. I constantly worry about what the people I care about think of me, and whether I’m just tolerated or somebody that genuinely has a positive impact on their lives. This is probably my main personality trait that I’d like to fix and the one I imagine will be the most difficult.
The other thing that came from the counselling session, which absolutely terrified me, is the thought that I may have to give up alcohol for good. If I’m honest, I have a terrible relationship with it. I like beer, I like being sociable and being drunk helps my social anxiety in big groups. But I don’t seem to have any impulse control with alcohol. I wish I was one of those people that could drink once or twice a month when I was out with people, and I probably can do that for short periods of time, but it will almost certainly always lead to me drinking multiple times a week and this is not a healthy way to live.
I don’t really know what I want the take away from this post to be. The thing I’ve enjoyed the most about writing this blog is that it gives me a chance to project some of the shit that goes on in my head. It also gives me something I can physically look back on as time goes by to evaluate my self improvement (or lack of!) and for that reason I think I’m going to keep it up. If it ends up getting a few readers, great. If not, its served its purpose for my own state of mind. I feel like I’m at such an important moment in my life where I’m making huge changes and putting a lot of effort into becoming a happier person, and becoming somebody that I genuinely like being. It’s nice to know that I’ll have this to look back when I need a pick up, or maybe something I can look back to see how far I’ve come.
P.s. Picture of my dog included to take away some of the morbidness of this post. If you don’t like dogs then please never read any of my posts again.